Bigger Isn't Always Better
by Authors Tune
Summary: When it comes to kitchen talk at the office, no topic is off limits.  A lighthearted/humorous scene between the women of Private Practice.  Contains some sexual references.


_AN: Just a little oneshot that I whipped up quickly. A humorous scene between the three ladies of Private Practice. _

_Warning: this scene contains sexual references. Does not contain descriptive scenes or anything too over the top. Humour only._

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><p>"Huge…no really huge. I don't think you're quite understanding the extent of the size," Violet stated in a hushed whisper, hands gesturing wildly.<p>

Naomi and Addison both raised their eyebrows and glanced at each other, attempting to conceal their smiles by sipping on their coffees through the small plastic gap in the takeaway containers. "No; no," Addison answered, "I think we're getting it."

"I'm just not getting the issue," Naomi said, chewing on her lower lip with her eyes creased in suppressed laughter. "Isn't _big_ a good thing?"

"Big yes," Violet responded hurriedly. "But I mean it was _massive_," she emphasised and grabbed Naomi's forearm in her hand and shook it slightly. "As in, size of your arm huge."

Addison coughed in response, choking suddenly on the latte she was drinking. "Come on!" she exclaimed, eyes wide.

Violet nodded quickly and said, "Elbow to wrist in length _and_ thickness."

"And thickness?" Naomi clarified, mouth slightly ajar.

"This is what I'm saying. It didn't…you know…"

Both Addison and Naomi froze; eyes locked on Violet, completely unaware of the people walking past the glass doors to the kitchen, nine o'clock in the morning having passed a few minutes before. "What do you mean it didn't…" Naomi trailed off, moving one hand to cover her mouth.

Violet widened her eyes and nodded slowly and deliberately, opening her mouth and mouthing _huge_ without uttering a sound. Addison coughed again, closing her eyes and shaking her head slightly. "And it didn't…fit?" she asked, half smiling and avoiding eye contact, shifting her weight where she leant back against the island in the middle of the room.

"It didn't fit," Violet insisted, each word emphasised.

"What…what…what do you mean it didn't fit?" Naomi stuttered, eyes darting from Violet to Addison. "Is that even possible?"

"I'm serious," Violet stated, nodding wildly. Tilting her head to one side, she pulled her shoulders up and said slowly, "It went…in…but it wouldn't…" Using her thumb and her forefinger, she indicated a two-inch space and lowered her voice even further to say, "It wouldn't go further than that…"

"Maybe it's you," Naomi muttered in amazement, "you should get Addison to check you out. Or maybe I should try, this could be like a competition."

Addison laughed, rubbing the bridge of her nose and shaking her head. "You have lost your mind, Naomi."

"And," Violet stated, drawing the conversation back. "That was enough for him to…well, finish the job, so to speak. Quickly."

"Oh," Naomi gasped, slapping Violet on the arm. "He couldn't go the distance?"

Violet shook her head. "It's not like I wanted him to either, it was very uncomfortable."

"Yeah well, so is pushing a baby out of there but sometimes it's worth it," Naomi muttered.

"I really don't think you understand; there's a fine line between pleasure and pain and this…this was pain."

Addison drew in a quick breath and squinted one eye. "Tell me you haven't torn something?" she asked.

Violet shook her head and licked her lips. "It wasn't really in there long enough. You know, one, two…" she trailed off.

Both Addison and Naomi stifled a laugh, their shoulders shuddering but they emitted no sound. "I hope he had some other skills," Addison stated, waving her hand out in front of her as Violet rushed to answer.

"Oh God yes, his tongue. Now that; that could be as long and thick…"

"That's enough sharing," Addison said suddenly, crossing the room to toss her coffee cup in the trashcan. "Definitely enough details."

"No," Naomi said in opposition, "I need details. This is fascinating."

Addison laughed and Violet gave Naomi a sad glance. "Oh honey," Violet said softly, "you really need to get laid. Sam, well, Sam was a long time ago."

"Yes, thank you Vi, for that reminder. Are you going to see this guy again?"

"Oh hell no," Violet answered. "My body couldn't take it. But the image, now the image will stay engraved in my memory until I'm old and completely dried up. I will be on my death bed, all crazy and eccentric from dementia but I will still be talking about the man from my second sexual prime…the man that was hung like a donkey."

Addison laughed loudly, striding across the room and laying one hand on the door handle. "I'm sure the grandkids will love that story, better than Cinderella."

"I'm a feminist, as if my grandchildren will own Cinderella books anyway."

"One other thing," Naomi stated, tossing her empty cup across the room where it landed heavily against the lid of the bin before falling inside. "You didn't tell us where you met this Mr Donkey?"

"Ah," Violet said, a sudden sheepish expression gliding across her face. "I may have taken Cooper's suggestion."

"You went on an internet dating site?" Addison asked to which Violet nodded her head and dipped her chin to her chest in shame. "Violet, what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking," she answered quickly, "that I needed a solution to my predicament. Before I end up all prune like, and it's definitely too early for that. This," she said, pointing below her abdomen, "this is not closing down yet."

"No Naomi," Addison responded, rolling her eyes. "You will not get on any online sex trade site, you got that?"

Naomi just shrugged lightly, fluttering her eyelashes and casting her eyes to the ceiling. Violet laughed loudly and watched in amusement as Addison dramatically exited the kitchen, glancing back and shaking her head again. "You so should," Violet whispered as soon as Addison disappeared from view. "Huge Nay…_huge!_"

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><p><em>Fin.<em>


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